The Toxic Name Blame Game

Our modern culture uses words and terms without fully understanding the meaning or behaviour behind the psychological war fair, which is being masterminded by a one-sided narrative on social media. 

Those words include ‘narcissism,’ ‘toxicity,’ and ‘gaslighting,’ all the while standing on their pillar of self-importance, gaslighting the very people they are blaming (see what I just did there).  The irony is beyond palatable.

What I’ve learned in this lifetime is we’re all wounded.  We all live and move in and out of our pain.  So, we’re all privy to this sort of behaviour.  Some are more intentional with their behaviour than others, but to condemn and criticize another means we also must condemn and criticize ourselves.  

At some point in our lives, we’ve all cheated, we’ve all lied, we’ve all stolen, we’ve all said something we regret, and yet, our imperfections are used against us by the same people who exhibit the same behaviour. 

I have taught my children to witness people through their pain, not to excuse their behaviour, but to be aware that we’re all guilty of trying to make sense of who we are and our dharma throughout this lifetime.  By understanding this statement, you free your mind and heart with the notion that people are inherently evil and that you are perfect. 

When you see people in their pain, you better understand who they are and why they behave the way they do.  The decision of how we respond and how we allow these people into our lives is up to us. 

When we feel pain, we lash out at others.  Rarely do we take a moment to pause and reflect on our actions, as it’s easier to point the finger elsewhere.  Nothing is wrong with ‘us,’ so it must be the fault of another.  And so, we triumphantly decide to speak our ‘truth’ after disconnecting from the toxic, narcissistic relationship to defend our honour and convince ourselves of our healing.

We invite public scrutiny over social media platforms that gain support and popularity by telling only half the truth because it's easier to mislead people than to inspire them. I know this because I have done the same several times in my life; we all have.

A few years ago, I was called a ‘bully’ by someone I have admired and loved since childhood.  This statement shook me to my core and broke my heart.  My mom always told me, ‘There will always be two sides to every story, but somewhere in the middle will always lie the truth’.  I allowed this person to speak, which began with how I treated her daughter poorly and eventually ended with how my entire family was toxic. 

These stories hold fragments of ones TRUTH, but when we are forced to dig into the depths of our heartache, we uncover that they have nothing to do with the specifics of another but rather how we were taught to perceive situations and how to protect our hearts from the truths about our selves. 

I have been defending my behaviour my entire life, as many of you have.  We’re constantly misunderstood, we obsessively try to make people ‘understand’ our actions and in the end, we exhaust ourselves from the mutiny of our thoughts.  A few months after this statement, I realized that although I’m passionate about helping and defending my loved ones, it’s often perceived as ‘opinionated.’ 

We repeat what we don’t repair, and these statements spiralled into an honest and dark dive into how I speak and treat others.  Something was amiss because if you know me, you know how deeply I love and care about my loved ones.  I will vehemently defend and protect those in my circle, but not if they harm or deflect their shortcomings onto others. 

I use humour to deflect my awkwardness in uncomfortable situations; I try to make people laugh because sorrow makes me weep uncontrollably. I speak assertively and honestly when I want my loved ones to live to their fullest potential.  The last few years of making my life smaller have taught me that my opinions aren’t that important, and I’m now ok with that.

During this time of self-discovery, I heard the phrase that the only thing of great importance is humility and the ability to humble oneself.  This has changed my perspective on life because I realized that the truth that we’re so enthused with expressing our self-righteous praise to other but in reality, it only needs to be whispered to our hearts. 

These remarks forced me to sit and look at myself: my thoughts, actions and words.  I could no longer blame my heartache on failed relationships or narcissistic men because I chose to ignore the obvious signs and love them without question.  I decided to trust blindly, and I chose to stay.  Does this level of toxicity begin with them or me?

It was I who decided to ignore my pain and healing and focus my efforts on condemning others to feel just a smidge of self-respect or self-love, but I’m not the only human who feels this.  Healing is a lifelong journey.  It never ends as we constantly battle our perception of the truth, but it does get easier when we begin to look within and unravel the lies we tell ourselves. 

We’re all becoming aware that our happiness and self-worth are not dependent on one another.  Not our partners, not our children, not our friendships and not our family.  True healing is the ability to look at who you are and how you show up in this world with 100% honesty and vulnerability, even if it casts a shadow on your character. 

We tend to cherry-pick what we tell others to convince ourselves of the truth, and this is becoming so apparent over social media in the creation of personas that are the furthest away from who we are, or perhaps, we still don’t know. 

The last few years have humbled me into sitting and observing before reacting.  I must look at the perspective or a situation from all angles before passing judgment, defending my actions, or blaming another.  If I’m triggered when I hear someone refer to another as ‘toxic’ or a ‘narcissist’, my initial reaction is THEY are the ones that are exhibiting toxic behaviour (which is gaslighting), which means I still have a lot of work to do.

If you truly want to embark on your healing journey, the first step is sitting with yourself and reflecting on how you’ve shown up thus far, how you’ve treated and spoken to people and how you intend to live the following years of your life.  The next step is forgiving yourself, not for being human but for being perfectly imperfect. 

Suppose you want to continue to refer to others as toxic. In that case, you must be willing to do the same because this behaviour and mindset is the very definition of harmful, but only narcissists would convince themselves otherwise (see what I did just there, again).

Everything is about perspective and careful consideration of whom you surround yourself with is essential.  The removal of negative people from your life also includes convincing yourself of positive influences from others.  If someone is talking poorly about another, how do you think they speak to others about you?  Same same.  

There is an animal fable about the scorpion and the frog that teaches how vicious people cannot resist hurting others even when it’s not in their interest.  I have found that this story can also include a scorpion disguising itself as a frog to gain the adoration of others (or another Scorpion) only to pierce and kill them both.  When the dying scorpion asks the drowning scorpion why he stung him, he replies, ‘I couldn’t help myself; it’s in my nature.’  That nature is being human.

If you want to speak your truth, you must be willing to expose and uncover ALL the deceit, lies, manipulation and imperfections of your own life. Otherwise, it’s just toxic futility.

Sending love on your healing journey, you're never alone.

Xo,

Clare